Eric Clapton song tears in heaven often could make me cry. I used to love the melody as Garth Brooks sang; I could have missed the pain, but then I would have had to miss the dance.
We can touch the surface of raw emotion, watching a show, listening to lyrics, but nothing prepared us for the actual pain of losing a person we love.
Grief is not a problem to be solved, comparable to another’s grief, a disorder to overcome, or a sign of weakness, but I agree with the many quotes that say, it may be the price we pay for love.
And it is worth it a million times over. Would I have exchanged the last 30 years of my life and all my experiences so that I could avoid this experience. NEVER. The last 30 years was a gift that made my life rich and full and molded me into the person I am.
Grief maybe the one humanity we all share, but it is so unique to each of us, BECAUSE it IS soooo completely personal. And so, what can we do? We can grieve.
As I write this blog with tears streaming down my face, I know that I am still grieving. But it will not be for the entire day, I will smile, laugh, engage, be productive, love. And in between I may grieve for a few minutes, as I continue to live my life.
I believe, that grieving for a period, is necessary and healthy. It allows us time to get over the shock of loss, to surrender to our experience. Feel the pain, release the intensity of the feeling and sometimes tears help, it is like my emotions fills me up like the river breaching a dyke, my emotions overflows out of my eyes.
I recognize I need my rest. I make a point to get to bed at a decent time because grief is exhausting. And a little each day I can feel myself grow peel off a layer of grief, revealing a new version of previous self. Like polishing a stone…
Eventually, I hope to find the rough edges of the early staged of grief polished smooth. My grief is not meant to break me, but it can teach me, offer me an opportunity to grow through this experience. I believe our own grief can become a bridge of hope, enhance my empathy, compassion, ability to support the ones that enter this journey.
Beyond the firsts, there will be other dates, birthdays, season, events that rebirth these raw emotions, and it is ok. Like the mini tremors that release the pressure off a tectonic plate, it is a natural release that may be needed.
In saying that, long standing grief can become detrimental to our health. It can hurt us, weaken our immune response, cause us to be susceptible to disease. And then, maybe it’s time… to reach out for support, get some tool to ease suffering and raise our ability to cope and to actually feel happy. It’s not wrong to want to feel happy or to be happy.
As you know, I am opening my thinking to many practices that I had little or no knowledge of. To help myself rebalance, grow and feel not just relief but to laugh again. I know willis would want me to “lean into joy”.
Many of us, understand the energetics of the universe. The vibration of all things, so what if… we could still be a presence? Still connect in love and joy? What if, we can’t explain everything in life or the universe, I ask you to just let yourself be and ask yourself what if…
In one of my spiritual sessions, I was told that my laughter fills him up, that my joy is his joy… so, what if..
That it’s ok to lean on the side of joy… and what if?
The other night I had this dream, I saw myself ascending upward. I was enveloped in these white wings protecting my body as I rose upward towards the stars. And then this message came through, I needed to let go… And so I did, let go. And these big beautiful supportive winds unfolded and released me, then ascended high into the sky. They became this bight star, that burst into a beautiful shower of light that rained down on me in such love and abundance, that I knew absolutely, that letting go only made room for more love, that nothing was lost or ever could be.
What I do accept, is that I don’t know. That there is so much of the universe is still a mystery and that’s ok. That we are only on this earth for a short period of time to experience life fully. And to grieve, is to experience one of our deepest emotions, and so it too, must be part of this amazing life.
And even through my grief, I accept with absoluteness, the love I experienced, was a million times worth it.
Stay well out there. If you would like to connect: https://live.vcita.com/site/pj6nd2nw1oky5ogs/online-scheduling?service=0ysw6r3k4pmbqj6z