Mind Mapping Secrets Mother's Self-Sacrificing
...and the damage of Self-Sacrifice
Common #Psychological Mistake
What is Self-Sacrifice? It means that through some action of our own, we incur harm to our mental or emotional well-being, to our wealth, relationships, family or career.
Self-sacrifice affects every aspect of psychological being, physical, social, emotional, intellectual, environmental and spiritual self.
It’s about not valuing your self-worth.
It is allowing yourself to get run down to the point where you suffer in some way.
- Surrender or destruction of something prized for the sake of something considered of higher value.
- The thing so surrendered or devoted.
- Loss incurred in selling something below its value.
Example: Long hours mean a mind full of details. Late nights of dedicated research result in missed meals, processed fast food, caffeine, alcohol and difficulty falling asleep. Family time is sacrificed, social events cut short or missed altogether.
The family could feel the additional stress of schedules. The family bonds stretched to breaking point. Weekends just don’t offer enough time to re-bond and recharge.
When Mother’s become chronically exhausted and burned out, Family bonds breaks down, and there is NO Stress leave for Mothers…….
Why is it important? Because self-sacrificing can have family consequences and personally devastating health consequences in the form of Chronic #stress! #Stress is the #1 Precursor to Heart Disease…..
It’s easier keeping your health than trying to gain it back!
Did you know…… #Heart Disease kills more Women than Any other Disease.
54% of women that died of Heart disease were unaware that they were at risk… They died without ever knowing… That means they had no opportunity to adjust their lifestyle, behavior or Psychology.
- 67% of women never articulated any symptoms to their Doctors
- As a holistic medical practitioner for most of 20 years, I can unequivocally state that stress creates symptoms, we just don’t understand the language anymore….it’s a lost art.
- 27% of all women today die prematurely from heart Disease.
- An unacceptable statistic in my view and it does not have to be this way…..
Beyond the very worst possible scenario of have your life cut tragically short, self-sacrifice results in unhappiness, dissatisfaction and has the ability to interfere with many aspects of our life and what we care about.
Contact Coach: Adele Anderson
Selflessness has been signaled as a morally correct personality trait of caregivers. And of course we want to show compassion, empathy and kindness in our lives. But why does this mean that we be so generous to others and yet neglect ourselves? We push ourselves to the limit and loose the joy in what we love most!
If you have heard yourself thinking; “I hate….” Then you’re just plain worn out. I call this the beginning of self-defeat.
Some say self-sacrifice is a beautiful expression of love.… however psychology; or the Greek word The Psyche: the study of Breathe Spirit & Soul; has a bit of a different twist on sacrifice.
Self-sacrifice is stress and shows up in unhappiness, anxiety, stress, depression, low energy, poor eating and exercise habits. Not uncommon, over indulgence in alcohol, drugs and other numbing agents. Sleeping pills, too much caffeine, irritability, frustration and self-doubt and the ever present guilt of not doing enough! It affects our psychological well-being and self-esteem.
Self-sacrifice establishes how we are treated by others.
When we self-sacrifice, we will tolerate less respect, accept being over-burdened, allow ourselves to be taken for granted and permit to being under-valued.
So if these feelings exist in any percent then possibly the problem may be self-created.
Many lessons in life are shown through examples to others. 90% of communication is unspoken… So what is the unspoken language telling others about what is fair, what is normal, what is acceptable.
The way we treat ourselves will be a direct reflection of how others will treat us!
How to stop self-sacrificing? Take time for yourself, everyone and everything around you will start to shift perspective as your perception shift.
I once had a client say…. I can feel them coming…. They are sucking my energy…..We immediately set some “unspoken boundaries” for her and everything in the family dynamics shifted…….
Honoring ourselves allows us to show up FULLY, energized, joyful, passionate and powerful and without resentfulness.
Stop stressing about it! Women who nurture themselves are happier in their work and at home. They have healthier happier families, better relationships, gain more wealth and personal well-being.
These women note more satisfaction and feelings of fulfillment.
If you think you don’t deserve it, you’re missing out on a big slice of the happiness pie.
Self-honor means reduced stress levels, giving back to yourself so you have the strength to lead your family.
It’s about drawing boundaries and balancing what others need and what we are able to give. It’s about the attitude we have surrounding tasks that plays a key role in how life is approached.
I had a client, a successful professional becoming a Mom for the first time. Her and her husband had made the financial choice for her to leave her workplace for a period of time and raise their child. It was a planned pregnancy and she should have felt joyful. But she was so unhappy and didn’t know why…
When we spoke, I quickly identified that she didn’t value stay at home Motherhood roles. She missed her “identity’ of successful professional.
So, if there was no implied value; for her; in staying at home, how could she value her “new” self?
She soon learned the new role was 24/7, difficult, challenging and exhausting. She learned to respect what Mothers do….
She started to respect the importance of her role.
Until she honored and valued Motherhood she was unable to embrace and find value in herself, children and family.
Once her attitude towards Motherhood shifted, life aligned, joy returned, self-worth resumed.
The attitude we have about anything directly affects how we feel and behave.
Psychology states, that physiology occurs within our bodies as a result of our thoughts!
So we have positive thoughts we have “happy biological processes. We have negative thoughts, negative biological neuro-hormones cascade through our systems. Science even goes further….. How we feel about our health, for example stress…. If we feel that stress is hurting us, we are more likely to die from it!
Yes. Every thought matters! The more positive our thoughts (all thoughts) the healthier we are.
So how does the aspects of #self-honor affect our thoughts and ultimately well-being!The biological process that exists with every thought word and action. You choose which way you want to spin your biological process.
Being authentic to ourselves is integral to #self-honor. It includes a reciprocal blend of honesty, integrity, respect and sense of fair-play. All of these elements can be found within your core values.
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Core Values worksheet
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When you consider that self-sacrificing come with feelings of exhaustion and letting ourselves down, self-honor creates feelings of energy, satisfaction, self-respect, self-esteem and self-love.
Honoring ourselves is practical in every aspect of our lives.
It is life!
If we continually self-sacrifice, burnout is not far away and that means families suffer and personal health is at risk!
Being a healthy Mother is about being honest with our needs, boundaries, and with others. It is critical to find ways to re-investing in your well-being.
#Self-care is a powerful tool to self-sustainability.
When we don’t, our ability to focus falters, to feel satisfied and then happiness suffers. So acknowledging needs and being grateful for the infusion is the way to go.
So when do you know that you’re in need of Self-Honoring?
The body provides sacred messengers, initially little signs and symptoms that there is too much pressure. You feel tired or a sense of unease….
These signs and symptoms may come in the form of headaches, a busy mind that causes #sleeplessness, or just plain #exhaustion. It could be heart #palpitations, chest constriction, find yourself sighing allot. Moody swings, shortness of breath, #panic attacks, fatigue, un-refreshed sleep or #weight gain all come from the umbrella of underestimating the value of self-honor.
Many people discredit or do not recognize these sacred messengers, lost as a result of a modern world.
If we don’t recognize stress, it soon becomes a natural part of how we feel. The signs have become unconscious. Many are too busy to pay attention, no time to slow down……
When quiet, we have an opportunity to listen and learn the magic balance of giving and receiving.
There are many simple things you can do to stop self-sacrificing and bring energy back into your life.
Ways to self-prescribe:
- Schedule down-time for yourself
- Find things you enjoy. Connect with friends. Music, fitness or meditation.
- Find new possibilities.
- Nourishing your body, mind and spirit.
- Stimulation is mandatory for intellectual wellness. New ideas, new intentions.
- Play positive, your beliefs affect your health and well-being.
Pat attention to the language you use every day. Is it positive or negative? Just by changing your language to a positive expression, you can change the physiological response in your body and gain immediate health benefits result.
- Hopefulness expands creativity and dreams.
- Learn to do the things you love and you will learn to love yourself. It is absolutely necessary to LOVE YOURSELF!
WHY? Because you’re here in this amazing life a this time and place in the universe. You matter! You are worth the love you give yourself each and every day, all day long…..!
Because what we feel about ourselves will be reflected back at us! Because what we feel about ourselves can have devastating health consequences……
- Communicate your needs, be honest.
Fact is women who don’t self-sacrifice and take care of themselves are happier and healthier. They tend to have healthier happier families, so take care of your needs first; it’s a win/win.
- Don’t neglect yourself!
- The way we treat ourselves will be the standard of how others will treat us!
- Honor self-love. It is the “perfect pill” choice!
- Love, gratitude and pleasure are the glue that holds it all together.
And……..Learn your core values….
Core values are a full-on topic for another blog, but here are some fundamentals.
How can you align work, home and play with your core values?
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Core values are what make us tic. They are passion. They describe us to the world. Core values are our moral compass, our true north and guide. Know them well ….. It’s important that the family bonds with their core values. If you don’t have individual, social and family core values, or if your family values are not being reflected in your child’s upbringing, you could be missing a key ingredient for a strong family connection.
How can you influence core values?
- Before making a big decision, think about what it means to all aspects of your life and how it aligns with your core values.
- Will this decision make a positive or negative impact on your life, and on the lives of others, whether it is family, friends, community, or the world?
- Does your decision need to be discussed within the family?
- How large is the impact, if it is what is for dinner…. Verses I have an illness and life will be different for a while….. Who needs to be brought in and at what stage?
- Will trust be broken if certain family members are not included?
- Should age be considered?
- Do you have a full game plan for all the questions that may be asked?
- Can you explain your decision in a full and honest way?
- Could opposition be a possibility?
Decisions you make should make you feel grounded. You instinctively know when it feels right.
Now in saying that, evolutionary Psychology has its role in every human being growth and development.
When children are born they are in “Survival mode” The first of 7 stages in human evolutionary psychology.
As a baby grows into a toddler, they quickly learn that staying within the family core values means a happy life, verses outside of family rules means some form of unhappiness.
Then it gets tricky in a couple ways, buy-in or rebellion….. here’s part of the reason why……
As parents we grew up in different times. If our own parents were quite far along in their psychological development and lived in a democratic politically safe environment then we may evolve faster than they were able to. And there is individualizing stage of evolution. Where children branch off from the parents to a certain degree and find their own way.
Add today’s technology and the vast amount of transparency children have access to internationally, today’s children are evolving faster than each generation before them. Children push their parents for change, and as growth means change, challenge is everything to do with families dynamics.
But this is another HUGE topic, which I am happy to share in another blog.
BUT If Something is keeping you up at night and causing sleeplessness and anxiety. Call me…. We can find calming and rest assured solutions for you and your family.Stop Self-sacrificing!
Private coaching sessions, Retreats and workshops to understanding family dynamics.
I can be reached:
Are you struggling with your communication skills? Is it keeping you from gaining a promotion at work or a better quality relationship? Then, the psychology of communication, mind mapping and active listening can really help your cause. Lazy to Active Listening can empower you!
To understand better, some insight into the psychology of mind mapping is needed. We need to understand how our brains mind map and then relate that to our own psychology in order to understand why “Lazy Listening” plays an important role in poor communication.
Lazy listening actually triggers automated mind mapping mechanisms of the Reptilian and Limbic Brains. You’re not in control……hmmm. Danger zone!
Let’s talk about how that happens. You need to understand our 3 different brains and how they process information.
This is empowering!
Humans have 3 brains.
- The Reptilian Brain- the reactive (mind mapped) instinctual brain.
- The Limbic Brain rests on top of the Reptilian brain. It’s our emotional mind mapping patterns brain.
- The Neo-Cortex sits on top the Limbic brain- our rational brain. (Does not fully mature until the age of 7-8 years)
- This means our development years are all survival (reactive) and revolves around emotional brain mind mapping patterns. Reactive and emotional neural mind mapping patterns become deeply ingrained prior to our ability to rationalize. Think about that!
So to the point? Why is it important to remove lazy listening from your psychology? Lots of great reasons. Listening is a skill that is a shortage and in demand. People that practice active listening are:
- More effective and productive
- Have more chances to influence others and gain advancement
- Develop trust, respect and rapport with others
- Are considered better leaders and team members.
- Make better customer service representatives
- Are persuasive and are better negotiators
- Avoid misunderstandings
Facts are (Adler, R Rosenfeld L Proctor, R 2001)
- 70% of our day communicating.
- 45% Listening
- 30% Speaking
- 16% Reading
- 9% Writing
Listening is not the same are hearing,“I hear ya” But do you really?
- Stop talking, don’t think about your rebuttal, make eye contact, focus, remove distraction and prepare yourself to listen.
- Relax, breathe, put the speaker at ease and give them your attention
- Nod, gesture, lean inward, make eye contact, paraphrase
- Empathize, understand their perspective, be open-minded, impartial, suspend judgement, do not jump to conclusions.
- Listen for ideas, themes, threads of conversation, the story. Watch for non-verbal gestures: facial expressions, body gestures and eye movement. What is not being said is just as important.
- Listen for tone, emotion, verbal and non-verbal clues.
Listening requires MORE than the sense of hearing.
- Lack of sleep
- Short attention span
- Limbic Brain: emotional pattern recognition
- Limbic Brain: reactive
Learning how to dis-engage the mind mapping Limbic Brain. Slowing down your thinking processes by active listening allows time for the Neo-Cortex to engage. Allow time to focus on what is being said without engaging your emotional mind mapping pattern recognition process. Breathe, focus, remove distraction and be impartial.
By being impartial you have a better opportunity to detach an emotional mind map pattern of the Limbic brain. It is your choice to attach an emotion to an event or a story. It’s NOT your story. It is THEIR story.
By allowing them to tell their story, without you engaging your personal emotional neural pattern, you will keep your heart rate steady. You will also be able to think with your Neo-cortex brain about what is being said rather than becoming emotionally engaged.
The brain has the capacity to think 600% faster than most people talk. The brain is going a mile-a-minute in the background. While someone else is talking, your brain runs all types of “what-if” scenarios and rebuttals. Examples: “I had the same experiences… let me tell you mine…… let ME talk.” Or you may be thinking about how long till you pick up the kids, or what’s for dinner instead of actively listening to what is being said. Considering you will only retain 25-50% OF WHAT is being said, give it your best shot!
Stop the chatter and learn “active listening” skills. Stop reacting!
When we engage emotionally, we make assumptions, (ingrained emotional neural patterns of the Limbic Brain) judgmental opinions or rebuttals, rather than allowing ourselves to engage in slow, open minded rational thought.
Quick responses are more likely to be reactive or emotionally biased and don’t fare well in any situation. Over-reaction adds stress.
So step back, listen fully, respectfully and respond with an inquisitive mind.
Active Listening TIPS:
- I use a little tool: I pinch my thumb and for-finger together, signalling my brain that I am now paying attention to what is being said. I lean in and make eye contact.
- It is a small physical signal that sets me into the “mode” of listening. It becomes automated. If you catch yourself drifting, then paraphrase; ‘get back on track; make sure you are following the thread.’
Repeat the pressure of thumb and forefinger, lean in, make eye contact, paraphrase and focus.
- Be inquisitive! By being interested, you train your brain to actively listen to what is being said.
- By clarifying that you truly understood what is being said, you can engage the brain in a different pattern of thinking, which creates new neural pathways. It shows respect, builds trust and rapport with others.
- “I’m curious; are you saying…..” I am not sure I understood, can you give me an example?”
- Don’t interrupt! When we become excited or emotionally engaged, we have a tendency to interrupt. You will always learn more by listening than by talking.
- Remember, it is not “your” story, it is theirs, so try not to high-jack it!! When you attach an emotion to an event, you make it YOUR story. It is not YOUR story.
- An emotional response is simply a recognition of 3 points of a similar story. An emotional patterns, often deeply ingrained in our Limbic Brain before the age of 8, is engaged. As you know, assumptions are quite often wrong, 8 –year- old’s emotional patterns, brought forward by the Limbic brain. These re-occurring emotional patterns can add allot of stress to anyone’s life and stress is not healthy for anyone.
- Listen until they have stopped talking and then breathe thoughtfully before you respond. By pausing before responding, you will have their full attention.
These small effective tools will allow your mind to remain calm and all your internal mechanisms will respond in the same manner. When using rational thought processes, we are less likely to engage an emotional response.
Emotional responses are stressors. Learn why it is important for your health not to continually engage stressors and the chemical process that leave your immune responses weakened.
Until then, stay well.